Sixteen-time winner Joey Chestnut will not be competing in the Coney Island competition this year due to the fact Chestnut has partnered with a competing brand to Nathan’s Famous. What a bunch of fuckin losers. Lets make sure nobody watches because Joey has a partnership with some hippy meat company that sells plant based hot dogs.
“I was very disappointed to learn from the media today that after nearly 20 years I am banned from the Nathan’s 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest,” Chestnut wrote. “I love competing in that event, I love celebrating America with my fans all over this great country on the 4th and I have been training to defend my title.”
I understand there has been no competition for “Jaws” since Kobayashi left the game but it was still an American tradition. Wake up, brew a fresh pot of coffee, take a deep breath of freedom, fire up the grill and watch Joey Chestnut inhale hot dogs by the dozen. We are now robbed of that joy. So, who do we get to fill this giant sized hole in our hearts? Here are some ideas:
Kevin James: Although he recently claimed he lost over 60 pounds from fasting for over a month, I think for one day, he could manifest his inner Doug Heffernan and absolutely put on a clinic. Once a fat guy, always a fat guy. I’d confidently bet that Paul Blart could take down 25 hot dogs in the allotted time. The King of Queens could be the king of Coney Island on the 4th of July if he wants to make it happen.
Vito Spatafore: The parade float himself. Another guy who prides himself in the weight he lost but c’mon, we all saw how he eats ribs, disgusting. Exactly the kind of mentality needed to win a competition like this. Plus, if we know anything about his secret life, it’s that he loves the ol sausage.
Jellyroll is killing the charts. He’s all over the radio, tv and doing shows all over the country. Some say he is the epitome of an American, overweight, uneducated and loves country music. If he did enter this contest, he’d have to be one of the favorites to win due to sheer size alone. Let’s get those face tattoos covered with some ketchup this Independence Day.
Roger Goodell: It’s safe to say he is one of the most hated Commissioners in all of professional sports. We love to boo him as football fans. There is something very vulnerable about stuffing your face with cased meats while dunking everything in water and making yourself look like an absolute pig. These are images people cannot remove from their brain. For those reasons, Goodell would be an awesome replacement as we can all get behind the idea of making him look and feel like a disgusting pig. Think about it Roger!
Alan Ritchson: Jack Fuckin Reacher. I know what you’re thinking. This dude is cut up, he’s not stuffing his face full of hot dogs and that’s where you’d be wrong. “I eat whatever the hell I want, and I’m not kidding,” he adds. “I eat the healthiest when I’m on set, because I have somebody cooking for me.” His diet consists of over 4,000 calories a day already so you know his stomach can stretch. He truly could be our next Glizzy Gladiator.
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